4 Things to Look for When Getting Counsel

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In last week's blog, we turned to the book of Proverbs for wisdom on getting information and advice, and then we applied that wisdom to having discernment when going online. Let’s revisit those passages through the lens of seeking counsel:

“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15, NIV)

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Proverbs 15:22, NIV)

“Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end of the day you will be counted among the wise….” (Proverbs 19:20, NIV)

 “Plans are established by seeking advice….” (Proverbs 20:18, NIV)

Few would discount the wisdom of getting as much good counsel as you can. But the keyword is “good.” Here are four things to look for in a person you are hoping to seek counsel from:

First, they genuinely walk with God and give evidence of knowing His wisdom, listening to His wisdom, living by His wisdom and trying to apply His wisdom. 

Second, they are objective. It doesn’t mean they have to be completely removed from you or your situation; they just have to be able to bring a certain level of objectivity to your situation. 

Which we all need.  

None of us is fully objective about ourselves, much less our lives. We’re surrounded by our emotions, circumstances, biases and desires. We need to go to people who can see things independent of all the baggage we’re carrying around. 

Third, they want the best for you in Jesus. Meaning, they are more concerned about your spiritual life than anything else. They are going to look at you and your life through the lens of eternity, wanting each and every decision you make to honor Jesus and to make you more like Jesus.

Finally, go to someone who will bring three things to the table: experience in that area, expertise in that area and evidence of success or good fruit in that area.  

So, if you want parenting advice, get offline and start searching for a mom or a dad,

         ... who walks with God, 

         ... who has the maturity for objectivity, 

         ... who wants the best for you in Jesus, 

         ... and who has experience you don’t have, expertise you don’t have and evidence of success or the bearing of parental fruit you don’t yet have.

By evidence of success, or the bearing of good fruit, I mean look at their kids – kids now old enough for you to see how they turned out – and determine if they reflect what you want your kids to turn out like.

You will be surprised at how open older men and women who fit this bill are to investing in you in just this way. All you have to do is go to them in the right way. When you find someone who checks the boxes, just say: “I have a few pressing parenting questions to ask. Would you have some time, 30-45 minutes tops, where I’ll come prepared with the questions so I don’t waste your time? I’ll bring the agenda, and I’ll buy you a coffee, and we’ll sit down together and talk. Would you ever be willing to gift me that time?”

I can’t think of a single person who would be offended by that. Instead, they’d be honored by that. Because you’re honoring them, honoring their time, creating boundaries that would put anyone at ease and making it an easy investment by bringing the questions and creating the agenda. And in return, you’ll receive something that online information can never give you.

Wisdom.

 Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/PriscillaDuPreez

James Emery White is the founding and senior pastor of Mecklenburg Community Church in Charlotte, NC, and a former professor of theology and culture at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, where he also served as their fourth president. His latest book, Hybrid Church: Rethinking the Church for a Post-Christian Digital Age, is now available on Amazon or from your favorite bookseller. To enjoy a free subscription to the Church & Culture blog, visit churchandculture.org where you can view past blogs in our archive, read the latest church and culture news from around the world, and listen to the Church & Culture Podcast. Follow Dr. White on X, Facebook, and Instagram at @JamesEmeryWhite.